Sunday, January 20, 2013

Re posted...Foxhole Non believing

Blogging is reflecting. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads it. I need it for me. I’ve been journaling since Mr. Mims’ 10th grade Creative Writing Class and now I have volumes in my attic..for no one to read but me. So blogging is journaling with the twist that you found your way into my attic.

LivingLOMED blog has been quiet space to turn work events into rich experience and occasional insight. This is my diary. Written by someone who dedicates her decades to making Jewish learning a source, a well, for meaningful and purposeful living.  And if you have stumbled at any time into my attic,  you may have noticed I hadn’t written a post since August.

I’d like to say I was on a cruise around the world. Truth: I spent the last months waking up with the hope that this symptom or that one, or that one would go away. I’ve spent days waiting for a doctor's call about the results of tests and new scans and the like. Car rides were to the specialist who might have the answer. On sunny days and rainy days if I left the house it was to visit a doctor.

Time passes and I’m in a better place now. I’m on the train. I have a big bag of medications that I am no longer taking and holding the hope that I’m done and won’t see a rerun.

1 What did I learn about myself?
  • I'm a chicken. 
  • All that spiritual prayer stuff, I lost it in the foxhole. All those years of praying and singing, and when I needed it, I was so afraid I couldn't access it. 

2. What did I learn about the people around me? My husband and adult children? My friends?

I heard:
  • "Pivot to a faith stance." Yes I needed reminding.
  • "I'm going through a hard time too, forgetting to turn to prayer and to God, let's remind each other" Yes I can't do it by myself
  • "When someone hits you with a hammer, it hurts." Yes I needed permission to feel lousy too.
  • "Here's a basket of flowers, a meal, a blanket, a hug, a phone call and I will just listen." Thank you.
  • “Did you check this kind of bloodwork…how about this rare  disease, I had a friend who had that disease?” Not so helpful, armchair physicians retire. Note to self: never offer crazy diagnosis to friends who are trying to find out what’s ailing them.
3. What did I learn about our medical system?
  • This doctor totally disagrees with that doctor
  • The treatment that this one gave you is actually causing you to get sicker
  • The doctor isn't in today, he'll call .."but he said he'd call yesterday"...he'll get back to you
  • There isn't a pill for everything that gets broken
4. What did I learn about myself now that I’m back on the train?
·      Time in my life to set new goals:
1)    Develop my ability to be a foxhole believer
2)    Return to the guilty pleasure of writing

Time to start a new chapter.